If I’d gone less with the flow in my attempt to fit into the embassy community and into Carolyn’s life as she wanted and tried to concentrate on who I should be rather than who I wanted to be, I might have been able to avoid what was coming. Gay porn I, however, couldn’t help but see it and feel it slicing into me, viscerally, as the insult and put down that Miklalaides had intended it to be. I instinctively made the mistake of looking up and locking eyes with Nico.If abject apology and contrition and longing can be rolled together in one facial expression, Nico had mastered that look. But what it was becoming with Nico in it was so much better than it had been before. From the beginning, expressed even while Nico and I were coupling, I had declared that I was only investing the weekend in the relationship. I thanked the heavens that I didn’t have any distinguishing birth marks on my torso. He started into a dramatic soliloquy on the delicacy of beauty and how it had to be nurtured and not neglected or it would melt away and leave only despair and regret in its wake. But what it was becoming with Nico in it was so
